Life and How to Live It
by AngelNo13Bardiel
Summary: There are always a few secrets parents keep from their children, but the younger generation can be quite curious...and some secrets are worth sharing. The third part of the I Won't Let You Fall Apart/Fly On, Little Wing storyline. -Story completed/C&C appreciated-


**DISCLAIMER:** Nope, still don't own one iota of the rights to Evangelion or its characters. This one's part three in the **I WON'T LET YOU FALL APART**/**FLY ON, LITTLE WING** arc, so go read those first if you haven't. 'This' is thoughts, "this" is speech. And this is going to take place from Sarah's (the little girl introduced in **FO,LW**) perspective, only some years later.

-**LIFE AND HOW TO LIVE IT-**

I walk into my apartment and close the front door, slipping out of my school shoes and letting out a decent-volume "I'm home." Hearing no response, I move further inside, making sure to keep my steps quiet…just in case. Reaching the kitchen, I open the refrigerator door and grab a bottle of water. 'Hmm, not very cold,' I think, removing the cap and taking several long gulps. Must not have been in there long, which means I had to have _just_ missed Mom.

And there it was, the sound of somebody rummaging through papers. I try and be as silent as I can be while moving down the hall. At the door to Mom's room, I crack it open ever-so-slightly and peek inside. She's sitting on the edge of her bed, a small wooden box on her lap. I can't tell what she's looking at inside, but there's a very sad smile on her face. I feel the urge to sigh, she always got like this every once in a while…and she would never tell me _why_ she did. It was always waved off with the promise of "I'll tell you when you're older." Well, how old do I have to be, Mom? I'm less than six months from turning _fourteen_ already!

She closes the top of the box before turning to look at the door, I guess it creaked or something. "I know you're there, Liebling," she says just loud enough for me to hear it.

Ugh, I _hate_ when she calls me that. I slide the door open all the way and step inside. "You know I don't like being called that anymore, Mom," I say. She smiles at me, and it's less of a sad one than a minute ago. Even with age, there's still a great beauty to her. Her hair's less red than it used to be…more of a brown-orange now…but it still has a bright shine to it that makes her look younger than she is.

"Of course, dear," she says, shaking her head. My eyes are drawn to the box still sitting in her lap, just a plain little hardwood container with a lock on the front. I've seen it a few times before, but she's never told me what's in there. "I got home from work a little while ago, then went to pick up some things for the house." She looks at the partially-drained water bottle in my hand. "I see you've already helped yourself to some of it. Probably not even close to cold, though."

"Not really," I reply, taking a quick glance at the bottle. I know what she's trying to do, redirecting my attention to another topic. That may have worked on me when I was little, but I'm getting at least _some_ kind of answer today, Mom. "So whatcha lookin' at?" I ask innocently.

She hesitates for just a second, but I see it regardless. "I've told you before, Sarah," she begins, her voice quiet but serious, "when you're a little older, I'll-"

"Oh, come on!" I interrupt her. I didn't mean to get this mad about it, but, dammit, she's kept things from me long enough. "That's what I _always_ get when I ask! You _do_ realize that, right? I don't know _anything_ about you from when you were younger!" Somewhere in the middle of this outburst, I've started pacing quickly. "And I can't get a straight answer from Misato or Hikari, they've just told me 'ask your mother and if she doesn't tell you, maybe she thinks you're not ready'." I stop to give her a hard stare. "Well, tell me then, **Mother**. When _will_ I be old enough? Huh?"

"That's _enough_, young lady!" she suddenly shouts, her voice having more force in it than I've _ever_ heard. "Remember, _I'm_ in charge around here and _I_ say-" She stops just as suddenly as she began, a strange look of surprise on her face. She sits back down at the edge of her bed…and lets out a short laugh. "I…guess you really never do completely forget who you were."

Okay…_now_ I'm puzzled. It's more than her actions, though: it was those words. Whatever anger I've managed to feel is gone now, replaced with a need to understand. "Mom…" I say, my voice almost a whisper. "Please…give me something. I just…I just want to know more about you. That's all."

She sits quietly, looking into my eyes for several beats. It's a little uncomfortable, actually. "Alright, Sarah," she finally speaks up again. "I…suppose you _are_ old enough to make those kinds of decisions on your own." She lowers her head and shakes it. "I made more serious choices than just wanting the truth when I was your age." She motions for me to take a seat beside her, which I do. There's a long silent moment before she sighs. "I can tell you now, you wouldn't have liked me then."

"What are you talking about?" I ask. This was one of the kindest people I've _ever_ known (bias or not). Why would she think that?

"You're just gonna have to trust me on that. Now…I guess it all starts back when I was little, about four I think. My mother…she was involved in this thing, Project E." She lifts her head and looks at me. "You've heard of the Evangelion, right?"

"Well, yeah," I reply. Of course I have, they saved humanity from the Angels two decades ago. Nobody really knows anything about the pilots or NERV, the organization responsible, mainly because of how classified that information is. They really only teach us the gist of it. "Project E…that has to do with their development, right?"

She nods at me. "Good girl. She was part of the team that developed the first _purely_ combat model, Unit-02." She pauses, taking a deep breath. "That was mine."

I blink several times, thinking maybe I'd misheard her. _My mother_ had been an Eva pilot? "Could…could you run that by me one more time?"

She smiles, amused by my reaction. "Yes, dear, I was the Second Child, designated pilot of Evangelion Unit-02." There's a _very_ sad sigh right after that. "But that was a long time ago…"

Wow…well, I wasn't expecting _that_ when I wanted answers. "But…but then, why hide it? I mean…you were one of the people who _saved the world_."

"The only heroes that really exist are either dead or forgotten in obscurity. Nobody cares _who_ saved them, just that they were. NERV and the Evas are remembered…we weren't. And there's always the fringe headcases who think we 'held back humanity' from something better." She smiles, looking up at me again. "So really, it's for the best to remain anonymous."

"Go on," I urge her. At this point, I _have_ to know the rest.

"Oh, right, sorry. My mother was the first to synch with Unit-02, but…" she stops for a second, wiping her eyes, "something went wrong when she did. It…took something from her. I don't know the details, that's _still_ classified. Not even Misato will tell me."

"Wait…how does _she_ know?" I question.

Mom's head hangs even lower. "She was my guardian and commanding officer when I first came to Japan. And even up until I left the country for Ireland, I still lived with her. But that's neither here nor there, so we'll just go back to the story. From that day on, my mother was in this hospital's mental ward. I visited her every day anyway. There was this doll I used to have. Just a little rag-mopped, button-eyes little thing. She…she began talking to it like it was _me_."

"Oh, Mom…" I say through the hand over my mouth. I hadn't meant to voice that, but I couldn't hold it in.

"She'd sit there with it and say things like, '_Asuka, your daddy doesn't want either of us around anymore. He doesn't want or love us anymore. Come on, little one, let's die together…_' And I'd just stand there, watching her through the glass like some kind of twisted exhibit in a museum." She starts to shake somewhere in the middle of her words. I reach out and hesitantly place my hand over hers. She takes it and wraps it lovingly with both of hers, calming down a little. "And it was true, he never did care anymore about us after that. He'd just go to his mistress. I'd hear them talk about us like we weren't there…but I heard _everything_."

She stops again to wipe her eyes and take a shaky breath. "Then, one day, I was told I was going to be Unit-02's pilot, the Second Child. I had been _chosen_! That would be enough to make her look at me again!" Whatever small smile that was on her face fell away afterwards. "I ran all the way there, saying all the things I would tell her. I was so excited! But I got there, and…and…" I can feel a shiver run through her body from where we're still holding hands. "She…she was hanging from a ceiling beam, already gone. On the floor below was the doll she'd treaded like me, its head torn off."

I gasp in horror. I can't even _comprehend_ seeing something like that at that age. Even now, I wouldn't know how to react. "My father pretty much gave me over to NERV at that point. He didn't care anymore. I decided right there that I would never cry again, I was an adult as far as I was concerned. And I would become the best at _everything_. That would be my life, that would make me worthy to others. That would be enough…" She looks up at me. "Do you see why I don't push you to overstep yourself? Why I always say, '_Do your best, but __**never**__ at the expense of being happy_'?"

I nod slowly. I'd heard that quite a lot in my life. 'So that's what she always meant by that, Mom,' I think, understanding her motivations a little better now. She puts a hand on my head and runs her fingers through my hair. Oh, I've _always_ loved when she does this, ever since I was little. It's so…_calming_.

"That's good, dear," she says, her smile back again. "Can you believe I went to _college_ when I was barely in the double-digit age? I graduated when I was _twelve_, for Gott's sake!"

"Y-you're joking…right?" I ask. That _had_ to have been a lie.

She shakes her head, laughing a little. "I know, right?" she replies, another chuckle releasing soon after. "_That_ was how hard I pushed myself. Isn't that _insane_? I still can't believe it." We share hearty laughter for a few minutes before calming ourselves enough to continue on. "But I haven't been that person in a long time…I've learned to take the time to _enjoy_ life. Make the most of it, both personally _and_ professionally. Which is why I don't teach full-time at Tokyo University: I want there to be time for _us_."

I remember her taking a couple of years when I was younger to get a degree in teaching psychology. She still made plenty of time for me, though, while I stayed with either Misato or Hikari (whoever had been available day-to-day). And even up until now, she never was away from home for _long_ periods. It always used to make me feel a bit smothered by her, but now I see why she did it this way: she wants us to have a good, healthy, _functioning_ relationship.

"But that isn't quite the end of it," she spoke up again, pulling me out of my thoughts. "I want to show you what's inside," she said, picking up the little wooden box again. "But you have to _want to_. Okay?"

I don't hesitate for a moment. I nod, ready to keep learning about the woman who raised me like I was her own. She turns a small key placed in the front lock and opens it up, revealing piles of well-taken-care-of pictures. I pick up a random one, showing a redheaded girl (Mom, most likely) standing near a blue sports car. "This is you, isn't it?"

She nods her head, a proud grin on her face. "In all my old glory. Too bad I was standing near Misato's piece-of-junk car. But I aged pretty well, ja?"

Now it was my turn to nod and smile. I only remembered her as far back as when we'd first met, this was my first time seeing her as a girl around my age. The people in the next picture I recognized immediately, it was Toji and Hikari, two of her best friends. Their wedding picture, by the look of it. "They look so good together," I say in a dreamy tone.

"And they've made it work, too. Not something a lot of people can claim these days."

I keep looking, eventually pulling out a photo of a girl with light-blue hair staring into the camera with eyes the color of ruby. "Who's this? She's so…"

"…different?" she finishes my thought for me. "Yeah, she always did get that kind of reaction. That's Rei Ayanami, the First Child."

"First? You mean, she was a pilot, too?"

"Mm-hmm. Unit-00, I think it was the prototype model."

"I've never met her. Is she…I mean, did…"

"I don't know," she answers, shaking her head. "She disappeared after…well, after the last attack. No one's seen her since, nearly twenty years ago." She frowns deeply during the pause. "There's a lot about her that's _still_ blacklisted, even to people within NERV. Misato always told me that it was better off for me _not_ to know. Considering what little I _do_ know now…" she explains, her brow wrinkling slightly, "she's probably right. I still wish I could tell her I'm sorry…"

"For what?" I ask, my neck craning a little.

"For how I treated her. As I told you, I wasn't the same person then. Having to be the best at everything, I'd built myself up as this invincible goddess, too worthy to even stand the company of most others. Just ask Misato or Toji or Hikari next time you see them, and tell them _I_ told you '_be honest_'," she says with a short laugh. "But Rei I can't apologize to, and I think that's something I'll always regret."

"And why's that?"

"She was very…stunted, in an emotional sense. I thought she was just devoid of them. Between that and her compliance with any order, it…it reminded me of a doll, like the one my mother had. I even called her that often, sometimes to her face." She stops talking for a moment, finding another picture of her fellow female pilot. "I had it in my head that she was some kind of rival, for piloting…and other things."

"Other things?" She doesn't answer, instead pulling out another picture which makes her put on that sad smile I had first seen earlier. I peek over at it, seeing a…oh my, a _very_ cute brown-haired boy. "Him, I'm guessing?" I continue, having an idea of what she meant. Something about him seems _really_ familiar, though. When I don't get an answer, I look back up at her. Oh crap, she's starting to tear up…I think I hit a nerve. "Mom?"

She snaps out of her reverie suddenly, looking up at me. "Oh…sorry, honey," she says, wiping away what few tears had leaked out. "Yeah, there _was_ some jealousy over him." She gives me a strange look for a second. "You don't recognize him, do you?"

I shake my head, taking in his appearance. Brown hair, blue eyes, standard Japanese middle school uniform. Nothing that really stands out. But another look at his face triggers something. "He's the one in that photo," I say, pointing at the locket on her necklace. She'd shown me that picture before, but it I never did ask more about him. I always thought he was a past love or something. "I can't remember his name, though…"

"Shinji Ikari," she says, so softly I almost don't hear her. "The Third Child, pilot of the test type model, Evangelion Unit-01. And he was…no, he's _still_ special to me."

God, there's such a sadness to her voice now. 'I'd better tread carefully here,' I tell myself, sighing. "…he's gone, isn't he?"

She just barely nods, like she didn't want to admit it. "During the last attack, actually. He saved my life…more than a few times." She looks me in the eye, staring deeply. "It's kind of why I left the country originally."

There's such a bad vibe in the air, I almost don't want to ask anything more. But I _have_ to. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, Mom. If that's okay-"

"No, Sarah," she cuts me off, "you wanted the truth…and you deserve to know." She takes a deep breath, releasing it slowly while closing her eyes. "We didn't just pilot and go to school together, we lived together. Misato had taken him in when he first arrived. His father was commander at NERV, but…well, let's just say that relationship was 'contentious' at best." Her eyes take on a hard edge, making me a little uneasy. "The man was a cold bastard, I'm not sure he _ever_ cared about Shinji from the moment he arrived in Tokyo-3. I hear he was practically blackmailed into piloting the first time, because it came down to either '_get in the robot you didn't know existed a few minutes ago_' or '_we're going to put this injured girl, one of the other pilots, in there_'." She looks up and catches my questioning gaze. "And no, before you ask, that wasn't me…that was Rei."

She relaxes again. "Shinji and I…we didn't exactly get along that well, mostly because of me. He was a good person but meek to a fault, always apologizing for _every little thing_ and putting everyone over him and not feeling worth much himself. And, me being me back then, I _hated_ that. A lot. I couldn't stand that kind of weakness." She sighs heavily before speaking again. "I realize now that there's a special kind of strength in some of that, but that's now: that wasn't me then."

"A few of the last battles, the Angels started getting stronger, or just fighting in non-conventional ways. One of them made it down almost to headquarters. I was there to meet it, the last line of defense for mankind." She laughs bitterly. "Baka. I don't think I even pissed it off. I was defeated…but I survived because of Shinji. He was almost permanently absorbed into his berserk Eva, though…which is what happened to his mother, Misato told me a few years later. Apparently, she had also been part of Project E. Even when we were young, we weren't so different after all."

"The last one I fought in…that was what did it. It stayed in orbit around the Earth. Again, they put me there to meet it head-on. It…it did something to me, some kind of psychic attack, I've been told." There's a slight hitch in her breath, like she could begin crying at any moment. "It made me relive all the things I'd tried to forget: my mother's suicide, all the people I'd hurt since then, all the lies I'd built around myself. All of that in one moment, just _forced_ into my head." She takes a few breaths to calm herself, hanging her head afterwards. "And I blamed him after the battle. He tried to reach out…and I shut him out. I didn't know until _much_ later that the commander had Unit-01 on lockdown after its last 'uncontrolled' episode."

"Next time I got into my Eva, it didn't even move. '_Synch ratio zero_'. I've heard that repeat in my head _so_ many times since. I…I had failed," she explains, the words coming faster now. "That was it, I had nothing left. So I made a decision." She rolls up her sleeves to show her wrists, where there were scars from what she had told me was 'a curling iron-related accident'. "I almost did what my mother had."

I shake my head, barely able to believe what I heard. My mother, one of the most controlled people I've ever _met_, almost killed herself? "Mom, that…that isn't true…right? _Right_?"

Her head hangs even lower, and I can see the look of shame on her features. "It is. One night, it simply became too much. One too many nightmares, one too many times I cried after I said I wouldn't again. I walked into the kitchen, said a little prayer, told Mama I'd see her soon…and started cutting." She looks me in the eyes again. "But Baka Shinji, he tried to stop me. He may look thin and wiry, but he was a _lot_ stronger than I expected….maybe that had been adrenaline. But he fought me off, at least. I didn't understand, why did he want me to continue suffering? I attacked him, more out of blind rage than anything personal. I got away, running full-speed from the apartment then wandered aimlessly for a while before finding a row of homes destroyed in the previous battle. I folded my clothes neatly, laid in a bathtub…and finished the job with a glass shard."

"Oh God…" I whisper, unable to simply think it.

"Or at least I _thought_ that was it. Shinji had ran out of the apartment after me. Misato told me if he'd been longer than five or ten minutes more, I wouldn't have made it. He carried me all the way to a hospital, where I was transferred to the NERV infirmary. I lost a lot of blood and slipped into a coma. When I came to…it was all over."

I don't say anything for a while. What _could_ I say? This was already a lot to handle. "Is that when…?"

"I don't know all the details, but I do know that there were people in charge of NERV that came to take the Geofront by force. Orders were to eliminate the pilots and secure the Evas. They put me into Unit-02 and positioned it at the bottom of the lake there. Shinji…he ran out to meet them." There's a laugh and a shake of her head. "Misato tells me he made a valiant attempt…but nine Evas to one isn't an even fight, even for me."

"Nine?!" I question, my eyes as wide as I can ever remember them being.

"Yeah, the entire Mass Production series. There's a reason for 'why'…but again, I don't know it. It's part of what I'm not cleared to know. And, like I said about Rei, Misato says it's better for me not to. NERV and the people in charge had a _lot_ of dark secrets."

"How did it happen?"

She closes her eyes before answering. "There's a self-destruct unit built into every entry plug. I guess he decided, as long as he was dying, he'd take them with him. One last thing he could do for us." She opens them again, a couple of tears coming out. "And I woke up right when it happened."

"After that was a complete mess. I got shuffled out of it all pretty quick, telling me it was 'need-to-know'. But Misato told me enough about what happened while I was out. I…I didn't react at first. I wasn't sure _what_ to do. Instead, I just…passed through life, years just spent feeling numb. It was a rough time, finding myself without my 'one true purpose' and knowing that the person who'd cared the most about me was gone. I've heard that saying before, '_**life is very long when you're lonely**_'. It really does ring true. I…wasn't an easy person to be around then, either. I really do give Misato and Hikari a lot of credit, they had faith in me when _I_ certainly didn't."

"I regretted a lot of my…relationship with Shinji, if you'd call it that. He really did show me a lot of care, and I repaid him by being a total bitch. I wondered some days if it wasn't what I deserved. I even considered finishing this again," she says, holding her wrists up. "But he gave his life so I could live, what kind of person would I be to throw that away?"

I hate to ask the next question, but I feel like it needs to be said. "Do…do you think he loved you?"

"I _know_ he did. I've had some good friends over the years, I can't say all of them would be so willing to go _that_ far for me." There's a slight pause, like she's considering her words. "I think what hurt me during that time was that I didn't know _how_ to deal with the grief, like I had done with my mother's death. I went about both the wrong way for way too long." She looks up at me. "For instance, you remember when Moz died?"

"Mom, that's…" Oh, why did she have to bring _that_ up? Morrissey had been a black cat we'd had for a good eight years, just after coming to Japan. He'd died almost a year ago, and I had been…well, 'sad' just seems a little soft for how I felt about it. I had just gotten over it, too…

"I know, I'm sorry. But that's like what I had gone through. Less, but still similar. And you remember, I taught you the best way to deal with that kind of thing: sometimes, you have to let go or it'll eat at you until it becomes a burden. That was why I left Japan. I needed a break from the past. I knew I'd come back, this place is home to me."

"What about Germany? I mean, that's where you were born, right?"

"Deutschland's not any kind of home to me," she replies, her tone distant and sad. "I went back for some ceremonies after the last attack. It was crap, just a lot of people giving me lip service. Nobody _really_ cared, not about me. All they saw was their precious native-born pilot. Did you know I never heard from my father or stepmother? They didn't bother. I was so sick about it, I simply cut them off. And I've never heard from either of them to this day."

I place my hand on her shoulder, unable to find the right words for such a thing. Seriously, what kind of people never even extend a hand in sympathy for their own _family_?

"But that's not even something that bothers me anymore. So don't you go and worry about it, honey," she reassures me. "So I left and went to Ireland. And that was…"

"…we first met," I finish for her. "So even before I knew it, I was helping you heal?"

"Yes, you were. I think we entered each other's live right when we were needed. Do you know what drew me to you?" she asks, pointing at me. "It's your eyes, they're a lot like his."

I take a glance back down at one of the pictures of Shinji. She's right, the color _is_ nearly identical. Even his hair was similar, although a bit darker. "I knew within a few months of bringing you into my life that it was time to return home. I felt…ready. Both to start my life here over, and to help you grow into a well-loved person."

I reach out and take her hand, giving it a small squeeze, which she gladly returns. "Thank you, Mom," I tell her with a bright smile. "I'm glad you shared this with me."

"You're welcome," she says, then looks up as if considering something. "Hey…how would you like to take a little ride?"

"A ride?" Okay, that was a bit of an out-of-the-blue question. "I…guess that's alright."

She gives me a wide grin. "Great, now go get changed. I think your uniform is a little _too_ formal for where we're headed."

I nod, getting up from her bed to head to my room. I'm confused, both by that statement and everything else I've been told today, but I'll go along. I feel like I owe it to her.

* * *

We've been moving steadily towards the outskirts of Tokyo-3, not really making any kind of conversation. Mom parked a good ways back, so I guess we have to walk the rest of the way to…wherever she's taking us. I changed into a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, as per her suggestion to 'dress down'. Alright, then…but I'm still puzzled. As we reach the end of the path, I can see out across the city. It's a breathtaking view, everything covered in the color of the late-afternoon sky. "Oh…_wow_…"

I look over at Mom, it seems my reaction was just what she was hoping for. "It's a great view, huh?"

I nod absentmindedly, just looking at the cascade of oranges and yellows over the buildings below. 'I think 'great' is really underselling it,' I mentally note. "Amazing…" is what comes out of my mouth. "Thank you for bringing me here."

"Oh, that's not the _only_ reason we're here," I hear her say, sounding farther away than I remember. I look back and see her moving towards a large stone marker nearby. As I approach, she kneels down to brush away some leaves from its base. About seven or eight feet tall, everything about it is very plain: no inscriptions, no carvings, nothing. It hits me as I move closer, though. "This…is this where…?"

She shakes her head, but doesn't look up at me. "No, there wasn't a body. But Misato had this put here as an anonymous memorial. She said she showed him this spot after his first battle, and that he always came here to think or unwind or…I dunno, just when he felt like some solitude. I've been here many times, and I think he was right about that." She looks up at the blank stone and smiles. "I think he would have been happy to know she placed it _here_. There's another marker in a field out in the countryside, right next to his mother's…but I've always preferred _this_ spot to visit yearly."

She crouches, putting a hand on the stone. "Hey there," she starts, her voice carrying on the wind. "I know I'm a little early this year, but I just thought you should know…I told her. _Everything_. NERV, the Evas, Rei, you, me…_us_. I told you I would when she's ready…and I thought it was well past due. I've kept too many things from her for too long." I can see her shoulders begin moving in that way that says someone is trying _not_ to cry. "I still feel guilty, you know…about wishing you were still here. Because…because if that happened, I never would have left Japan, I never would have met Sarah, and…" She stops, unable to continue talking through her sobbing.

I give her a minute, trying to think over what I should say. It doesn't take me long: I'm going with the truth. I walk up to her very slowly and put my arms around her shoulders. "Shh…it's okay, Mom. You don't have to feel guilty about a thing." She looks up at me, surprised. "I mean…if he was still here, there's a _chance_ you two would be together by now, right? And I figure, if you were, you might even have your _own_ daughter…and you'd have shown her all the same love and care and attention you've given me." I start crying in the middle of my little speech, but I don't bother to stop the tears. "So don't feel bad about wishing for things to be different. Everyone does that. Wasn't that something else you've told me before, '_**all things happen for a reason**_'?"

She's overtaken by another bout of sobs, holding against me tightly. "T-thank you," she says after getting herself under control again. She stands and takes a deep breath, her composure fully intact once more. "Sorry you had to see that," she directs at the marker. "Anyway…" She motions for me to step forward, which I willingly do. "Shinji…I'd like you to meet Sarah."

I kneel down and place my right hand on the stone. It's cool to the touch. "Hi," I say with some unease. If you've never communicated with an inanimate object, it's…a strange feeling, to say the least. But I understand its significance in this moment. "Mom tells me you were very important to her. That you saved her life on a few occasions." I smile, placing my left hand to my lips before putting it on the marker. "Thanks. I kinda wish I could have met you, but…well, I guess that's not how things work." I can feel her move closer to me. "You still really love him, don't you?" I don't have to look up to know she's nodding. "I guess that explains why you never married…"

"It would just feel…wrong. I'm not doing it out of any reason like, '_I don't __**need**__ a man in my life_'. It's more…I can't see myself without him. I know that sounds crazy, but…"

"Not at all." I stand back up, turning to look her in the eye. "You've moved on with your life, but you'll _never_ move on from how you feel about him."

She nods, the smile returning to her face. "Exactly. Once you realize that you _do_ love someone, you _never_ stop loving them. Parent, child, friend…something more. It doesn't matter." Her smile quickly becomes something more akin to a smirk. "And that's something I'm telling you now: if you ever feel something strong towards someone else, don't be afraid of it…let it out. Don't fear being rejected or being hurt by them later on, _just tell them_. You may not always get that chance if you wait."

I can feel the blush starting to creep onto my face. "C'mon, is this really the time for _that_?"

"I can't think of a better opportunity," she says, still grinning at me. "Remember, I want you to be _happy_ above all things."

I look down at my shoes for a moment, taking in her advice. She's right, I know…but I think I'm a little _too_ young to be feeling like that about anybody. Then again, she might have thought the same about herself once. I don't say anything at first, I just look up and move toward her, my arms encircling her in a big hug. "Thank you, Mama," I tell her.

Her arms come around me soon after, returning the hug with just as much warmth. "You haven't called me that in a long time."

"I know. But it felt right, y'know?"

"Does that mean I can still call you '_Liebling_'?"

I let out a laugh, my grip on her slipping a little. "I guess I'm okay with that."

We separate, and as I look in her eyes, there's a deep sense of pride in them. It makes me feel really warm all over. She walks over to the marker again. "I guess this is goodbye for now. I'll be back again next year, I promise." She looks back at me. "And she'll be with me, too."

"Yes ma'am, I will. See you again, Shinji." As I turn back toward Mom, she has her hand out. I gladly take it and we begin the walk back to the car. We don't say anything on the way there, it just feels wrong to break this peaceful silence.

* * *

Night has passed, Mom and I just enjoying an evening of small talk. After all of the heavy conversation earlier, it's a welcome change of pace. I finish getting into my bed attire and lay down, ready to get some sleep. As I reach over to turn of my lamp, however, my eye catches the room's newest object.

Mom said it was one of Shinji's most important possessions, something he never seemed to be without. '_I think he'd have wanted you to have it_,' she told me. She also said that his sole other important possession, a cello, had been in Misato's care since his death. '_It felt right to let her have that_,' she had said. I pick the item up, feeling the weight of the black plastic in my hand. On the front, little letters printed on it that said 'SDAT'. Wow…that was an outdated format even in _his_ time. But I'm curious all the same.

I place the buds in my ears and press play. A few seconds later, music starts playing. Classical, something very somber and melancholy. Mom's given me a lot of exposure to it, but I don't recognize this one. The tape wasn't labeled, so I can't even _begin_ to guess.

I think about the only other piece of serious conversation we had over dinner: apparently, Misato had let it slip that I'd asked her to look into my records. She still keeps a lot of secrets from Mom, but I guess _that one thing_ I asked her to keep from Mom she felt like sharing. I explained it to her, very calmly, that I simply want to know _exactly_ who I am. I want to know where I was born, why I was given to the orphanage, and who is the woman who gave birth to me. But I followed that by reassuring her, '_But even if I __**do**__ find her…you're **always** going to be 'Mom' to me_.' And I had meant that completely. She just smiled and hugged me tightly.

There's a click as the track switches, bringing me back out of my thoughts. I feel…at peace, actually. I finally have all the answers I wanted Mom to tell me, _way_ more than I expected to get. And most of it I would have _never_ predicted. I just wanted to know _her_. We may not share the same blood…but dammit, we're family all the same. And, past flaws and all, she's still the most important person in my life.

As I started to feel the pull of sleep tugging at my mind, I have one last out-loud thought. "Shinji, if you can hear me…don't worry about Mom. I promise to take care of her, to make sure she knows she's loved back just as much."

**-END-**

**A/N:** Okay, that's one last revisit to this timeline. Truth be told, out of all the stories I've written, I'm still probably most proud of **FLY ON, LITTLE WING** (both in writing and overall tone), so one more trip felt…**right**. The last bit of closure from one generation to the next, if you will. And, in truth, writing this helped Ash (who also helped co-create this one) work through some personal stuff. She and her mother have a…complex relationship, very thorny. Don't worry, she's okay with me telling you that much.

Overall, I think this one is more for her than either you _or_ me.

The little bit about the cat, by the way, is autobiographical on Ash's part. It also dovetails nicely with a recent addition to our apartment: a little black kitten she's also named Morrissey. Which is cool with me, being a fan of cats…and Moz.

And speaking of…that line, '_**life is very long when you're lonely**_'? It's from "The Queen is Dead" by **The Smiths**. Which, really, is a band that _everyone_ should listen to (no exceptions).

I'll have to admit: writing from the first-person perspective of an ACC was…less tricky than writing from an established character's POV (as the two previous parts of this story arc were). Mostly because you've already shaped them yourself, I guess.

No, no fairy/angel/whatever-themed omake this time either. Maybe next time.

Like last time (and as said above), pre-read for this fic (as well as inspiration for it and co-writing) was done by Ash. Thanks a lot, ma'am.

As usual: good comments will be appreciated, bad ones will be ignored (or kept for firewood). But I do favor good/helpful criticism, so send it my way!

Until our paths next cross,  
**-AngelNo13Bardiel-**


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